CUE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wC-JOW2YafM before reading.
We drift onto the scene of an ancient castle set somewhere in old England. For ages now, not a single person has been able to enter the castle because of a ferocious fire-breathing dragon that’s been sent to guard the treasure inside.
The treasure: the beautiful Anne. Time has done her well and she has blossomed into one of the most sought-after princesses in the land of Annendale, known famously for being populated by the incredulous ratio of 99 boys to one girl. The town has a population of 100.
Four knights lance up to the castle, they each believe that each other is inferior and that only HE could succeed in freeing the maiden*
Gerard steps up to the castle’s door first, believing that his courage will give him the Gods’ luck, and that screaming “FIRST!” would be funny. The Dragon bursts from the door, ramming the helpless Gerard and disembodying him almost unknowingly. Almost.
The other three knights scatter left and right, with two bunched to the right. Nicky and Samuel have been friends since their training in the Knight’s Guard at the age of 12, their bond must be enough to defeat this fiery bastard.
"DIE!" said the articulate Nicky, as he swings his mighty sword, "Pussy Crusher" to and fro. By the Gods’ will, he connects with the beast’s neck and dents it, causing the piece to bleed uncontrollably. Samuel then leaps onto the beast’s neck and begins smashing at it with his hammer. Samuel had always been the type to wait until someone else had done the hard work already.
"Hehe, that beast is slain!" rejoiced Nicky.
"Wasn’t that hard, was it my friend?"
The two fist bump. However, Jerrico, always a bit more tentative with these outings, reminded his peers that dragons must be stabbed through the heart.
"Like in Buffy" he said.
But the other two refused to listen, instead laughing at the mistaken knight. Turning their backs to face him, they openly mock the smaller knight. It is at this point that the Dragon awakens again and smushes the two simpletons with its mighty hand.
"Idiots," Jerrico said.
Rearing up to its full height, the Dragon was much larger than the town had gossiped; the Dragon’s arms were toned perfectly, its belly more boisterous than the rest of the alcoholic fathers in the neighborhood. Arming himself with his broken spork and best one-liner, Jerrico prepared himself for what had to happen next.
"Excuse me…" Jerrico began. He swallowed, completely sure he was shitting himself. The beast crossed its arms, impatient. He continued thus:
"I’m sorry Mr. Dragoon, but I’d really like to take your daughter out for a date. We’d just be going to the Rave in Brentwood* and we’d totally be back before midnight…"
*The exact nature of the fair Anne’s maidenhood is free to be speculated upon.